请高手看看这篇作文（task2）能的什么样的分数

In recent years,an increasing number of employers tend to recruit equal number of males and females for all kinds of jobs,and which arouse a heated discussion.
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It is absolutely a great progress that the employers' pursuit of the equal amount of gender,compared to the gender discrimination in old ages. Females, in this day and age, will not struggle to seek for gender equity desperately any longer. Besides,a balanced number of females and males help to create a harmonious atmosphere of working time, and which, can improve the relationship between colleagues.

This phenomenon, on the other hand, brings about many drawbacks as well. To begin with,the aspects that different genders are expert in are not the same. For instance, males are more skilled in technology, IT, engineering while their female counterparts show more talents in arts and housekeeping. To seek for sheer equality of the number of gender may probably render the working efficiency low, Moreover, some occupations suit to males only while some are appropriate for females. Take sailor as ana example, all of sailors, nowadays, are males,even in some corresponding department in colleges, owing to the risk of voyage, physical and psycological soundness.
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+ y# V! e7 w/ dIn conclusion, even though it is a progressive measure to pursue the equality of the number of gender, employers  are well-advised to take individuals' interest, woking condition into consideration. It is a waste of money to always keep the number females and males equally. Not only can it curtail the efficient allocation of  human resource, but also cut the profit down. So , as a matter of fact, it is more justified for employers to test employees' capacity, rather than merely seek equal number of different genders when they recruit people.

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9 B$ _: C! n: D+ [I AM STRUGGLING TO READ, BUT AT LAST I FAILED.

机器猫_小猫猫 发表于 2012-5-10 12:15
I AM STRUGGLING TO READ, BUT AT LAST I FAILED.

不是吧。。。

快要考试了，忐忑不已啊！各位提提意见吧！
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6 ?* P# B: s' c- a2 U8 y! H题目没发。。。More employers try to employ equal numbers of men and women for all types of jobs. To what extent do you think the advantages of this trend outweigh its disadvantages?

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& {$ S1 f$ j1 |# [. K/ p; jIn recent years,an increasing number of employers tend to recruit equal number of males and females for all kinds of jobs,and which arouse a heated discussion.
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& \/ c" J- A3 {It is absolutely a great progress that the employers' pursuit of the equal amount of gender,compared to the gender discrimination in old ages. Females, in this day and age, will not struggle to seek for gender equity desperately any longer. Besides,a balanced number of females and males help to create a harmonious atmosphere of working time, and which, can improve the relationship in colleagues.

This phenomenon, on the other hand, brings about many drawbacks as well. To begin with,the aspects that different genders are expert in are not the same. For instance, males are more skilled in technology, IT, engineering while their female counterparts show more talents in arts and housekeeping. To seek for sheer equality of the number of gender may probably render the working efficiency low, Moreover, some occupations suit to males only while some are appropriate for females. Take sailor as an example, all of sailors, nowadays, are males,even in some corresponding departments in colleges, owing to the risk of voyage, physical and psycological soundness.

& \, j$ C* E- Y: yIt is manifest that even though it is a progressive measure to pursue the equality of the number of gender, employers  are well-advised to take individuals' interest, woking condition into consideration. It is a waste of money to always keep the number of females and males equally. Not only can it curtail the efficient allocation of  human resource, but also cut the profit down. So , as a matter of fact, it is more justified for employers to test employees' capacity, rather than merely seek equal number of different genders when they recruit people.

some grammer errors and wording problom, coherence seems ok

感觉还可以，比第一篇好多了

Master_D 发表于 2012-5-10 15:14
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还好啦，至少比我好，我都还没动笔写过一篇呢～只是觉得文章有点不COHERENT，又加上一些似有似无的语法上的ERROR，读的时候有点小抵触了，就没有读完。可能是你的写作风格与我不同吧，比如“It is absolutely a great progress that the employers' pursuit of the equal amount of gender,compared to the gender discrimination in old ages.”，我写的话我可能会这样写：“ABSOLUTELY, A GREAT PROGRESS HAS BEEN MADE BY PURSUING  EQUAL NUMBERS OF DIFFERENT GENDERS,COMPARED WITH THE PHENOMENON GENDER DISCRIMINATION IN THE OLD TIMES."一点浅见啦，每个人的行文风格不同罢了。

:@标点有很大的问题。文章的支持不够强大，感觉就是把学到的句型拼在一起了。还有这个结尾让我感觉是下一个段落的开始。你的写作没有很好，很多地方就需要写的简洁明了。全文都没有表明观点。topic sentence也没有明确表示你要接下去写什么。给一个小小的建议先把基础的结构（不是模版），和标点学会了再去追求你要的那些句子的效果。

不好意思，表情符号是不小心按的de
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同求问！！！！！！！！